grief and rage makes us do funny things

or at least makes us deal with abjection in new ways.

this was my first #TDoR since coming out. i found trans joy where i could get it this last week: new friends, new sights, writing. and saturday night i went out with a group of other gender misfits from around town and we danced, danced, danced. inadvertently i spent a chunk of the evening in what i call “trans denmother” mode: leading people to new spots, making sure people didn’t get fucked with, and ensuring people got home safely.

of course, this was the same night as q club shooting in Colorado Springs. i got home late and didn’t check the news until the morning. i was numb to it at first. then i felt hopeless, and felt my anger burn brighter than the heat of a thousand suns. it stings to know that i can’t protect my friends and family, let alone myself. i shouldn’t have to pack a stop the bleed kit in my totebag when i go out just like i shouldn’t have to leverage deescalation tactics when walking through Capitol Hill, much less anywhere else. but it’s starting to feel like i don’t have a choice.

hopelessness turned into roiling blue flame, one that allowed me to get my blood burbling. i had been avoiding dealing with my name change petition for months, scared of commiting to something in the eyes of the law, that would render my identity visible to the state. “fuck it,” i finally said, and dug up the forms from county court websites and the SSA. i filled out the paperwork, tucked it neatly into a manila folder, and headed to the bank for the fee. when the clerk helped me with the filing i couldn’t get a date for another week, because they’re not holding hearings this week because of thanksgiving.

disappointment is not the word i would use. apathy, maybe, or abjection. it hits me in the gut again. but through all this hot, rancid garbage, i finally know what i have to give the world: my love, my care, myself. to be there the way that my queer trans siblings and family have been there for me. this is for all of you. i love you. i do this for us, so you can do the same for the next crop. replenish yourself when you can, because this world will use you up and hang you out to dry.